Brotection
by idioticonion
Summary: Ted looks after Barney after the events in 4.12 Benefits. Contains Barney/Ted slash.
1. Chapter 1

Brotection

Barney looks sad. He tries to grab his drink and misses, fingers passing through the empty air. Ted suspects that his friend has had way more than enough but he lets Barney keep going anyway. He lets him drink his way through the pain.

"I don't get it!" Barney announces suddenly, making Ted jump. His head is all swim-y and he clutches it briefly. "I don't get how she can't _see_." Barney continues. "Even _you_ figured it out. Is Robin doing this deliberately? No… No, that's- That can't be… She wouldn't..."

Why is it always the case that recently it's always the two of them that are the last ones left at the bar? When Marshall and Lily have disappeared back to stinking suburbia, when Robin has gotten tired of their boy talk, it's always just them: Wingman to wingman, knocking back their beers and shooting the breeze. Ted's noticed something: When the others disappear, Barney kicks back. He stops grandstanding, he stops monologue-ing. He's actually a pretty cool guy. And Ted's got just enough empathy left (around the edges of his brain that haven't been marinaded in alcohol) to see how hard Barney is struggling to make excuses for Robin. How hard he's trying to defend her.

"Nah," Ted slurs, his eyelids feeling heavy. "That's just Robin."

"How did _you_ get through it, dude?" Barney asks him, exasperated.

"I got her a blue orchestra." Ted says with a fond smile at the memory. "Then I made it rain."

Barney snorts.

"And I kept telling her I loved her until she believed me." Ted says, pointedly.

Barney waves his hand, knocking over his empty beer bottle, which Ted rights again. "Now I think we've had enough," he says.

Barney tries to stand but falls back on to the bench, looking a little confused. "Ted, I think my legs aren't working again."

Ted laughs. "How much have we had?"

"I'm not sure... but we finished that bottle of scotch about an hour ago. Doug was threatening to cut us off."

Now it's Ted's turn to snort. "Doug!"

Barney grins at him. "Yeah, who's the badass _now_, sucker?"

Ted fist-bumps him and then manages to drag his friend to his feet. "Dude, I think you'd better crash upstairs?" He says, wondering if he's even capable of getting up the stairs himself. How in the hell did he get this drunk this quickly? It's crazy! He hasn't felt like this since… he can't remember when he last felt this wasted. It's been a year at least.

He manages (by some kind of miracle) to get the both of them up to the apartment and into his bedroom. For some reason Ted can't quite understand, Barney seems to want to arm-wrestle him over some Bro-code article. Eventually, they both end up collapsed on the bed, the room spinning and spinning until everything goes kind-of fuzzy and Ted's brain goes AWOL.

*--*--*

It's still pretty dark but the window is illuminated by the ghost-light of pre-dawn. Ted yawns sleepily, his mouth parched, his head aching, but he's so warm and comfortable that he can't stand the thought of getting out of bed.

He snuggles closer to the someone in his arms.

There's a naked someone in his arms.

There are naked shoulders beneath his lips. The skin is smooth and warm and firm. The naked-person sighs softly, which Ted takes as an invitation for him to keep kissing, keep nuzzling. He wraps his arms around the naked-person's chest and pulls them closer.

Smooth, firm, flat chest… Flat chest… short hair tickling his nose… These sensations make no sense but he can't stop himself with the kissing and the nuzzling and soon the naked, flat-chest-ed person is making this cute little groaning noise and Ted's shifting his hips, getting hard, rubbing himself insistently against the naked-person.

Ted pulls away just far enough to roll the naked person on to his back.

_His_ back, not _her_ back.

Ted doesn't care. It doesn't phase him as much as it should. Because this naked-person is Barney and Ted knows that Barney's so depraved that there's no way he hasn't got it on with another dude before. And it's not as if Ted hasn't experimented himself in college (Marshall doesn't know everything) but what goes on in dorm-room, stays in dorm-room.

Ted can't see Barney's eyes in the darkness but he knows they're open, knows they're sad, knows that his friend (his bro, his brother) really needs him.

So he pulls himself on top of Barney and he kisses him, firmly, even harshly, because that's what you do with another man; you don't want to be tentative. The kiss grows rougher and as Barney responds, Ted finds himself holding his friend down. Barney becomes skittish, shifting fitful beneath him, so Ted takes his time, kisses him for long, long minutes, drawing the fight out of him, softening him up.

Part of him realises that he's wanted to do this for years.

*--*--*

Ted pins his wrists to the bed.

"Ted?" Barney gulps the name, losing the word as Ted's mouth covers his, his stubble grazing across his chin. He tries to protest, because if he _says_ he doesn't want this, it means he definitely doesn't want this and Ted won't know that in the quiet, languid hind-brain of his sleep-fogged mind he _does_ want this. God he wants this so badly.

So he tries to talk, although Ted has him on his back, on his bed, and he lets one wrist go so that he can insinuate his fingers between their bodies, fisting his erection and pumping it. His eyes go very wide in the darkness and his half-hearted protests die in his throat. It feels good, it feels electric.

It makes him forget the ache inside him, like Robin's a cancer that's spreading, eating him up, threading it's way through his veins, his bones, his marrow…

Ted's hand, jerking, squeezing, his clever, clever hand… it makes him forget…

Barney never understood before why Robin keeps coming back to Ted. He always thought that sex/love were the same thing to Ted. He never knew Ted was so _good_ at this.

"Ted!" This time the word is louder, rounder, richer and full of longing. He squeezes his eyes shut, lips parted, breathing raggedly through the building pressure, building pleasure, building, swelling… "Yes…" He hisses, because he no longer cares about trying to guard himself, his bro-hood, his half-life… He no longer cares about anything but Ted's fist around his dick, Ted's tongue in his mouth, the simple, steady rhythm that only another dude really understands. He doesn't hold back, jerking his hips, and he's coming, coming, pulsing, his senses expanding in the sudden rush…

He snaps back to reality remarkably quickly, his heart racing, his body covered with perspiration. Ted holds him, kissing him softly because he doesn't resist.

It's light outside. He can see Ted's eyes. He can see Ted's brown eyes - kind eyes, compassionate eyes.

He grins. He can feel Ted's erection, pressed against his thigh.

"Thanks dude," he says. "What a way to wake up. You want me to do you?"

Ted chuckles.

*--*--*

They lay on their backs, side-by-side. "So, it's decided…" Ted begins. He looks over at Barney, eyes twinkling with humour.

"Tell no-one about this?" Barney quirks an eyebrow.

"Deal." Ted agrees.

"Deal." Barney grins.

"Deal!" Robin says, standing in the doorway, laughing. "Although hopefully next time you boys'll let me watch?"


	2. The Devil's Threeway

[**Please note**, this was written after a followup fic by darlingchaos on Livejournal but you can read this as a sequel to Brotection without any explanation]

The Devil's Threeway

It's easier because she can't really see either of them. In the darkened bedroom, they are all cloaked in shadow.

She can't believe she's doing this. She can't believe that all it took was a few whispered words and a dirty grin.

There's a tangle of sheets and muscular limbs (twice as many as there should be) and one of them pulls Robin down, hooks an arm around her (heh, Ted) and nuzzles her neck. One of them flows over her like silk, going straight for her breast (Barney), kissing the under-side of her nipple before locking on like a nursing baby.

She can't believe that Barney and Ted actually spent the night together. She can't believe they actually want to do this with her. It sends her into a crazy place, a world where anything can happen; where nothing is impossible.

As they weigh her down it feels like she's floating, drowning, smothering but safe; all at once and all consuming. At first, it's as though she's tethering them, with her as the sun and them as planets in orbit around her, never meeting, never touching and it feels wrong.

But then she feels a hand snake across her belly (Barney) and latch on to the body beside her.

She's almost jealous when she feels Barney's tongue follow his hand down to her naval. Ted groans, loud in her ear, and her own fingers trace Barney's arm all the way down to Ted's groin where, to her surprise, she can feel him shamelessly masturbating Ted. She amused and outraged and bats Barney's hand away, her own fingers curling around Ted's erection, thumb brushing over the velvet-softness of his scrotum as she pumps it. Ted leans over and claims her mouth so she closes her eyes, only to open them wide in surprise as she feels Barney move his body between her legs. When she feels him nibble at the skin of her inner thigh, Robin arches her back, exhaling a moan as Ted breaks the kiss, his tongue running teasingly over her lips.

Then Barney's fingers are pressing into her, he's lapping at her clit, flicking his tongue hard, quick, slow, teasing and she growls, one hand grabbing at his head, catching a tuft of blonde hair as his head bobs. She can feel him wriggle, his groans sending vibrations through her pubic bone until she's an inch from climax. Then Ted pushes Barney suddenly away. Her fingers grope for warm, firm flesh but Ted is evil (is he doing this because of Barney-?)

Oh fuck!

Everything is suddenly pressed too close and musky and (who's kissing her? Stubble… Ted?) - their gasps entwine, their heartbeats echo and pulse, their limbs hold, grab, explore, slide away… Her body feels slick, slippery and there's a kind of groan of desperation from Ted and she realises that Barney's going down on _him_ now…

"Hey!" She complains, because she'd so turned on that she's ready to hump the next random limb she feels pressed between her legs. Robin burrows her way under the sheets, nudging a torso aside and climbing up again until her lips come into contact with a lean, muscular thigh, then dick, then she's gulping and sucking and it's large and smooth and deliciously salty. She feels them pull at her, their bodies shifting, and she takes hold of his (Ted's?) buttocks and locks on, keeping up the rhythm even as she's pulled bodily across the bed.

She's on her side and Ted's nearly there, nearly ready to go; she can hear him whimpering and she doesn't know what to do. She's drowning again, suffocating, out of control even though she's the one with all the power.

Then there's a voice in her ear - soft, smooth, sending a fiery burn through her belly like good scotch. "Easy Scherbatsky… Not yet…"

There's a rustling, the mattress sinks and bounces, then she's grabbed from behind, her legs nudged apart and he's sliding inside her (Barney) and he's moaning, moaning (Ted) and he's jolting, pounding, hard, unyielding, filling her, harder, faster, _harder_, faster, _fucking harder_, harder, shit, harder, deeper…

She screams with pleasure, somewhere, deep in her chest, deep in her belly.

He screams (Ted), somewhere, erupting in the throat, coating her tongue…

He chokes out a something-sound (Barney) but can't hold back the whine that reaches her through her climax.

Sound, sensation, harder, harder, it's painful how sharp, perfect, how _immediate_ her orgasm is, wracking her body as she sucks the two men into her, drawing them close to her, draining them of their warmth, strength, of _everything_…

Ted's penis slips from her lips like a sigh. Barney holds her loosely, not willing to let go. Ted laughs, pulls his body around and it's light enough now for her to see him perfectly. He looks… the same. He kisses her the same. He's _Ted_…

But then he leans over her (the hair on his chest tickles her nose) and his mouth covers Barney's with a hard, purposeful kiss.

She watches them, wide-eyed, until Ted lets Barney go and settles back on to the other side of the bed, sandwiching her between the two of them.

Ted kisses her again and she can taste Barney, and him, and herself, a weird fusion of the three of them and it's exotic and electrifying. Robin isn't sure if kissing is against the rules. She's pretty sure that the rules have all been broken.

She tilts her head, glancing at Barney. There's a ghost of a smile on his lips - eyes wide as if he's saying "hey, this is what I _do_!"

She looks back at Ted. He grins. His brown eyes slide away from her gaze, refocusing in a different space. She can practically feel Barney's grin on the back of her head, like the sun behind her, throwing her into silhouette, casting a shadow over Ted.

She feels awkward. She stares at the ceiling. She feels as if she's intruding on the two of them. On their intimate moment. She feels like the third wheel.

"Hey…?" Ted asks her, a frown in his voice.

But the walls are going up. Bricks and mortar. Ice and reinforced glass. The walls go up and…

When her feet touch the floor this won't have ha-

Barney squeezes her breast, not hurting her but getting her attention.

"Hey!" She tries to say but then Barney's kissing her, hard, sudden, almost clumsily, his tongue in her throat, shocking her…

Bringing her back.

"This _happened_…" He says, firmly, full of certainty.

She's panting, her lips parted, tingling, bruised, open to anything either of them want from her.

Barney's smiling and she gets the weird contradiction of him. Sex is much more than sex to him. It's an art form. It's his religion. His blue eyes sparkle like he's talking to god.

Ted looks happy. Content. Perhaps Barney is catching. Like some kind of sickness?

Perhaps the three of them can work?

Perhaps if all three of them manage _not_ to freak out when their feet touch the floor?

But hey, it's Saturday… who says they need to get out of bed at all?

"Hey, Scherbatsky, Theodore… you think we can make this three for three?" Barney sniggers.

She doesn't have to look to know he wants a high five. She hears the slap of palm-against-palm as Ted obliges.

The noise gives her ideas.

After all, they both have very spank-able asses, right?


End file.
